Think. Click. Succeed!

It had been a challenging autumn with my hubby gone.  It would be for anyone. But throw in sending off a missionary (so many emotions), my difficult 11 year old (who just started middle school which is change equals hard for him plus his dad being gone-more change) and my battle with depression/anxiety into the mix and life was very overwhelming for me at times to say the least.  It seemed like there was so much to do.  I was just so tired!

Somedays I went back to bed after I got the kids off to school.  I watched too much TV trying to reduce my stress level and "relax" but that only contributed because there was stuff not getting done that needed to be done.  It was so hard for me to "get going" and do what I needed to do.  If you have never had depression you probably can't really relate.  You may think "well, just do it!"  For some reason, it is just not easy.

But I have a little yellow friend--my CLICKER.  My friend helps me "Just Do It!" I have had it for a while but it has been gathering dust.  I posted about when our family all got clickers in May but we didn't go very far with them, darn it.  I was reminded about my clicker again and started using it while Scott was gone. Using it to count my positive thoughts. (ok--actually Hilary from billionclicks.org sent me another one and asked me to use it and blog about it to spread the word of how wonderful it is!)

It seems silly how a little thing can give me motivation but it does.  I can click when I complete a job, when I am doing a job, and even start a job.  I can click when I make a to-do list!  I click for all the times I say to myself "I can do this." "keep going, you can do it!" Which is a lot.  Positive self talk. Being my own cheerleader by clicking.  And mostly it is simple things that need done, like the breakfast dishes (with maybe last night's dinner dishes too!) or laundry to put away, or vacuuming.  sometimes even getting dressed.  Little things that are easy but I think "I don't want to do that. I will do it later" or "It seems too overwhelming.  I can't do that".  But with a little motivation from my clicker I do it!

When the kids are fighting, or whining at me, or not going to bed well and my thoughts are "I can't do this!" "I want to run away!" my clicker reminds me to take a deep breath and tell myself "Yes I can!" "I can handle it."  I wear it around my wrist as a reminder to tell myself positive things. 

During my husband's absence and I was maybe not dealing with it all too wonderfully, I felt the energy or morale in our home drop.  I was tired, the kids were fighting more, and we all seemed grumpy.  I began to use my clicker to try say positive things to my children, and about my children in an effort to change the attitude in our home.  I felt so much better!  They felt better!  We felt happier. Giving compliments is not a very natural thing for me but with my clicker I am working on it!

I made it through the long month with the help of my clicker and family and friends!

I get so much done using my clicker!  because it gives me  spark of motivation that I needed to start the day and to keep going- instead of going back to bed or something equally unproductive. However, some days the clicker gets forgotten and I think of it later in the day realizing I am not clicking.  And usually I realize that I am not having a great day.

The one thing we can never get enough of is POSITIVENESS.  And in this world we all need lots of positive.

What can drive away depression? Positiveness!!  Not to say that I am cured with a clicker because depression is not that simple. However when I can accomplish a task that I just don't feel I can face,  though simple it may be, and am able to do it, I am lifted up tremendously and my brain is reminded that Yes, I can TOO do it.  I am a winner!  And the more I use my clicker the more my brain is trained to push away the negative and open to and see the positive.

I click for things I am thankful for too. Beautiful autumn weather.  Yellow and orange leaves.  Kids' beds that are made.  The ability to go grocery shopping (though it's my least favorite task).  Dustin serving a mission.  Brennen.  Andy.  Janessa. Cameron.  Scott.  friends.  every little thing I click for helps my brain dwell on the positive.

So how do you get a clicker!?!  go to billionclicks.org.  BillionClicks.org is a website where people from everywhere can log their positive thoughts!  They are on a mission to change the world for good...one click at a time.  They have almost 3.5 millions clicks and hope to reach a billion!  Add yours!  Watch this short video to see how it all got started.  Then order a clicker kit of your very own! 

                            You can use the coupon code MELISSA834 through Nov 30. 

When you enter your clicks at BillionClicks.org, you can receive a free digital kit with downloadable quotes, wallpaper and more! plus read awesome uplifting blog posts and comments from others who are clicking.

 Okay!  You know all about it so give it a try! Change your life one click at a time!

A Tough Laser Treatment

Yes, it has already been two months since Cameron's last laser treatment, so we went back to Albuquerque again on Nov 9th.  I have been striving to be positive in all these posts about his laser treatments.  But honestly, I am getting tired of them and they are hard for me.  He is a trooper and seems to know it is just part of his life and what he does every few months.  And never he complains or says much about them.  In fact, after his first laser treatment right after he turned 4, when we came home from the hospital, the only thing he had to say to his Dad about it was that we stayed in a hotel and the room number was "one zero one".

He had a harder time with this treatment, and so I did too.

All went well at the hospital.  On schedule so we didn’t have to wait.  No emergence delirium when waking up from anesthesia. Hooray.  However, the treatment area looked different this time.  Instead of the usual purple, his skin was gray on his cheek and chin.  I didn't see the doctor again before we left the hospital so I didn't get to ask her about it.  (I saw her after surgery but that was before I saw Cameron post-op).   He woke up, ate his orange popsicle and we were on our way.

But sadly, for the first time he got sick from the anesthesia--twice.  But he is my 5th child (and we have been frequent travelers over the years between Utah and New Mexico) so I am a bit experienced in noticing symptoms of a child who is going to be sick in the car.  I pulled over in time.  But we still had to change his clothes in the cold by the side of the road.  Poor guy.

And this time, he hurt.  He has never let me put an ice pack on before and I have rarely even given him Tylenol. But this time he needed both.  We were up in the night in the Lazyboy with an ice pack for a few hours. I finally gave him a second dose of Children’s Motrin (don’t tell) after the first dose didn’t seem to help much, and then he slept.  Until about 4:30 a.m. when I got him another ice pack.  Still though, he didn’t complain or cry. In fact, I heard someone up in the bathroom around 10:00 and found him trying to put a wet washrag on his face, but dripping water down the front of him.  He didn’t even come and get me!  I gave him pain reliever the next few nights before bed and he did fine. It was only that second night he had a hard time.  I suppose the first night he still had some anesthesia in his system.

The doctor told me that they did notice more gray this time and if it still a little gray, make sure to keep the Vaseline on it.  I said it is still a LOT gray.  She said send me a picture.  So I emailed her one.  Yes, she said, it is quite gray.  Perhaps we got more of a response than we might have wanted she said.  She said she may have pushed up the power too much this time since he has been tolerating it so well up to now.  Keep it well lubed to prevent blistering and peeling.  And she would call us in a stronger pain med if he needed one.  (I really like Cam’s doctor, but isn’t it interesting how she sort of dances around with the “mays and mights” not quite admitting a mistake).  So basically, he got “lasered” a little too much.  

And I know doctors make mistakes just like everyone else, but it is hard when is happens to your kid.

I sent her another picture 6 days after.  He still had gray but not as much—it had turned purple. She said it was doing what it was supposed to do, just slowly.  Keep it well lubed and out of the sun. 

After a week and a half he is still pretty purple, with barely noticeable gray. His neck and chest have faded quickly as usual.  But I am thinking that this time the usual 2 week bruising after a treatment is going to last a bit longer.  It will be interesting to see how long it takes to clear up.  And I am rethinking our January treatment appointment.  Because I need a break, and I am sure Cameron could use one too.

And as you read this maybe it doesn’t sound like a big deal and I handled it.  But really it shook me up.  Sheesh, I have enough problems with my anxiety when things are going well.  I went through a lot of emotions last week.  Feeling bad that my baby has to hurt.  Feeling guilty for putting him through this. Second guessing myself wondering if we are really doing the right thing with these treatments. Just a bunch of stuff that maybe isn’t logical, but nonetheless, feeling it anyway.  And feeling a little upset at the doctor, I do have to say. Plus nervous about the gray--and if it blisters and peels, then what? All the while still having to be a mom and get kids to school and dinner on the table and laundry done etc etc.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.  But I am ‘back on my feet now’ -- I think.

Anyway, enough said…

Still some gray showing on his cheek after 6 days
(his neck is clearing up and the light is skin color, not gray)

And I threw in this photo because it is too dang cute!
It was taken in October by Lydia Jane Images
(the PWS doesn't really show up in this photo but is does look darker most of the time)

Letting Go

I am mourning the loss of my therapist (or counselor--I never quite know what to call her). Not that she's gone, but I really am not going to see her again. Really. I have said that so many times before. But this time it is real. She isn't working this summer, and I am moving. I know she is due to have twins in July. I am very excited for her. I figured she would probably stop working in sometime in May, so last week when I called to make an appointment, I really wasn't surprised to learn that she wasn't working again until fall. But it was a hard fact to digest. I actually felt like crying. Because I really have to let go this time. Not like all the times before when I told myself that "this is the last appointment" and then went back.

I have only seen her four times in the last year, I think two months ago was the last time. I don't really need counseling anymore, but every once in a while I just want to talk to her. Talk things over. Sometimes about specific challenges and how to handle them, but sometimes just to "check in." It seems strange that I will never see her again. This person who helped me so much and showed me how to pull myself out of the hole of depression I was in. Who gave me encouragement and cheered me on as I progressed. Who helped me discover myself again. Who helped me learn to face my feelings instead of burying them. The person I finally opened up to and told thoughts and feelings to that no one else knew I had--sometimes that I didn't know I had. I learned so much from her--like about my thought patterns and how to change them, how to develop coping skills, how to be my own best friend, how to communicate better with my husband and others, how to be less passive, how to take care of myself and get my own needs met so I can take care of everyone else (this had to be pounded into my head over and over). It is just so hard to let go.

I called for an appointment last week because I just feel that lately I have been in a rut. I don't know if I need to adjust my medication or adjust me. I never know if the depression is getting me or if it's just me. I am not doing the things that I know I need to do to feel better. Simple things that just don't get done. The apathy that goes hand in hand with depression.

I need to use all that I learned in counseling and pull myself out of the rut -- put a book on my ipod; start journaling again; finish my quilt I started; open my scriptures; have fun with my kids while they are home this summer; exercise so I can keep up with my sister whom I challenged to run a 5K with me; do my work and take time to play. See, not so hard, really.

"Who Are You?"

That is the question that the caterpillar asks Alice in the play (musical), Alice in Wonderland. Brennen was part of the cast in the Intermediate school production. My husband and I were very impressed with these 6th and 7th grade performers. Who knew there was so much talent at these young ages! It was fun and well done. Brennen did well and looked like he was enjoying himself. He was a starfish in the caucus race and part of the chorus. (I didn't know there were starfish in Alice in Wonderland either). The version performed was actually Disney's Alice in Wonderland Junior, adapted for younger ages. The music was fun. The song "Zippity Doo Da" is in it and my little kids have been singing it all week.

Back to the question, "Who are you?" Alice is having a hard time figuring out who she is and who she wants to be in the strange imaginary world she is in. The caterpillar advises her to just be herself. (I wish I could remember the exact line). And that is the message of the play. Be yourself.

In our lives there are many roles we play. For me, Wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, relief society sister, school volunteer, household CEO. All of those titles really are about others. But there are some roles that we need to remember are for us. For me some of those include athlete--any sport but especially volleyball--musician, cross stitcher, writer. It is important during the years of parenting that you don't lose your individual identity to motherhood. It is true that you are needed and demanded very much by your children and spouse, but make sure you take time to remember the individual that you are and the talents and likes and hobbies that make you YOU. And of course, don't forget the most important title you have: A child of God.

Hard News

A friend of mine found out a few weeks ago that she has breast cancer. We're not close friends, but she is in my church ward. We used to work in the nursery together and got to know and love each other. But since then, and after our boys got out of cub scouts our paths really don't cross that much. We still talk, and say hello in passing.

I can't imagine what she is thinking, what goes through her mind everyday. It's not happening to me, yet the news is hard for me to take. I want to cry for her. I suppose I have never known personally anyone who had cancer or a serious illness. (okay, I take that back. As I write this I realize that my sister has had Lupus since she was 9 years old).

The news was a shock for her as she found out after her yearly mammogram. I know that the last week or two have been spent waiting and wondering--waiting for tests and results and doctor appointments. Her surgery is schedule for next week.

I know through experience that hard times bring you closer to your family and to the Lord, so I do know that she will have plenty of support on her side and she won't be alone in her battle. I think of her often and wish I knew what I could say to her, or do for her. Yet I know the kind of person she is and do not doubt that she will find the strength and courage and faith inside herself to get through this challenge.

Sherrie, I'm praying for you and want to thank you for the example you are to me. May the Lord carry you if the journey gets difficult.

Ready and Willing to Serve

I received a calling in my ward to teach the 15/16 year old Sunday School class. Not a big deal, you might think, or even "oh dear!" However, this calling is significant for me. I have been playing the piano in Relief Society for about two and a half years, and will continue to do so. This 'Sunday only' calling has been perfect for me. Not much prep time and I don't really even have to think about it during the week. But it's also representative of my illness. It was the only calling I had been capable of, so to say, for a while.

It was in February two years ago when I met with the stake president. I had a stake calling at the time which was fairly demanding of my time, and required decision making and me being "in charge." With three kids age 4 and under and my husband's calling as the scout master, it would have been hard anyway, but add what I was dealing with fighting depression, I was struggling. So I met with the stake president to talk with him about what was going on in my life so he could be aware. We talked and had a prayer, and I left his office released. Not what I was expecting, but he felt that taking care of me and my family was most important. I had very mixed feelings. I was relieved, yet in a way felt like a failure, though I know I wasn't. Since then, other than being a visiting teacher, I have had an "easy calling" as the Relief Society pianist.

After a while though, I started feeling bad because I wasn't asked to serve in any other way. Did the Lord not think I could handle anything else? Could I handle it? The primary, young women, and Relief Society presidencies were all changed in time which mean callings have to shuffle, yet none came my way. Some of my friends in the ward had two callings.

Last fall I met with my Bishop and had a great talk. He explained that my name had come up for callings at times, but it just never seemed to be right. Of course last summer was so challenging for me and my family as we got the business going, that I felt he was right. But the bishop gave me great counsel: "You can serve in so many other ways. You don't have to have a title." So I have been trying to heed that advice.

In January I was called to be the young women basketball coach. Yay! Something right up my alley. And then just as basketball was ending I was called to teach Sunday School. It has only been three lessons, but I think it is going to be a good challenge. I am very excited, and maybe humbled, that I am finally ready for a challenge!

Taking Care of Me

So I actually took a sick day. That, as you probably know, is very hard for a mom to do. But I do have a husband who works at home so he was around to keep an eye on the kids. He shuttled Janessa to preschool and built a snowman with her and Andy after school. He even ran some errands for me. Cameron was sick too and he slept from 10:30 to 4:30 with me--poor little guy.
(Yes, I had another bad headache. --I have seen a doctor about my headaches and am taking a med to prevent them. He prescribed a painkiller but it costs $194!!! so I passed on it. I did get a few free samples though).

I have learned through experience and counseling that in order to be able to function as a Mom, or whatever else you may need to function as, you have to take care of yourself. So I did that yesterday, even though it was and is hard not to feel 'guilty' about it. Everyone did fine without me.

And taking care of yourself means more than just physically. Emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually--all those areas.
One thing Scott and I did for me was that I used to have Tuesday nights off. It was great. I would go to the library, catch a movie, hide downstairs and sew, get a yogurt with a friend. Whatever I wanted that didn't involve being a mom. We stopped doing this after we bought the business. Things got more hectic and stuff got in the way. But the kids are older now, and I have other things to compensate for Tuesday nights. Just the fact that Janessa is in preschool three afternoons a week while Cameron takes a nap is enough. And I even have freedom to leave the house then because Scott is home to "tend" the sleeping child.

I wrote a poem a few years ago about this subject. So I guess I will be brave and post it here.

Take Care of Me

Take Care of MeAs a tiny new baby
I knew how to cry
And somebody would come
To take care of me.

Through childhood fun
And childhood tears,
With guidance from parents
I learned how
To take care of me.

Out on my own,
Independent and proud,
I could take care of this,
Take care of that,
While I take care of me.

Then a wife and a mother—
Take care of this,
Take care of that,
Take care of him,
Take care of her.
I forgot to find time
To take care of me.

More responsibilities,
Life’s frantic pace—
Take care of this,
Take care of that,
Take care of him,
Take care of her.
Somewhere I forgot how
To take care of me.

Doubt, darkness and fear,
Feeling alone,
Can’t take care of this,
Can’t take care of that,
Can’t take care of him,
Can’t take care of her
Because I didn’t
Take care of me.

Though the journey seems long
And sometimes too hard,
I am once again learning to
Take care of this,
Take care of that,
Take care of him,
Take care of her.
While I take care of me.

Happy and confident,
Fulfilled and content,
I can take care of this,
Take care of that,
Take care of him,
Take care of her
Because I remembered
To take care of me.

Creating Valentines

I made Valentines today. Like pretty much all morning and into the afternoon. It's a wonder my kids got lunch. (I ran out of laundry soap so I couldn't do laundry, darn it.)
Creativity is not my strong point, but today I did okay. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. Janessa stuck with me for a while but then watched TV and played Polly's. I decided to put a picture of some of my creations on here. Some are already mailed. The reason I posted this is because I felt so good today. Maybe it's the winter blahs but I have been tired and sort of grumpy lately. But today I made valentines and I felt happy and even maybe energetic. Sounds weird. I just had fun cutting and pasting and creating. And then this evening I remembered that heard a talk somewhere or read a book about how to be happy or whatnot, and one of the things that was talked about was creating. Creating makes the soul feel good. Apparently I didn't heed that advice then and even forgot about it until today. But now I am a believer. So if you get my valentine then know that it made me feel good to 'create' it for you. And if you are having a rough go of it, try creating something.

Keep on Swimmin'

This is how I felt yesterday morning:

A headache that won't go away.
Breakfast that needs fixing.
Piles of laundry that need folded and put away.
Kids that need attention.
A husband needing a clean house.
Dustin needs new shoes.
Cameron wants but doesn't need a Binky.
Andy didn't finish but needs his homework.
Family scripture study that needs but is not getting done.
I need a pain reliever and a pillow!

But my headache went away after lunch. I got most of the laundry folded and more washed. Some put away, but at least the piles are folded piles now and people can find their own clothes. Dustin got new shoes after school. We had a wonderful dinner of leftover turkey and potatoes and gravy from our wonderful turkey dinner of a few days ago. Scott and I went on a "date" to Brennen's basketball game while Dustin stayed home with the other kids. It turned out to be a fine day after all.
And...
I got to sleep all night as nobody visited my bedroom last night and I was up on time this morning and we had scriptures with the boys and I even exercised.
As Scott reminded me last night, "this too shall pass". Whether on top of the world or feeling low, change is constant. Just gotta 'keep on swimming.'

ADHD and Chocolate

I am craving sweets! But I have only one egg because I made french toast this morning and I am out of margarine and butter too. So I can't bake anything and I can't find anything else sweet to eat. I don't even have chocolate chips to eat out of the bag. I think we have some kind of candy or something left over from Christmas, but if it's still around it's probably because I dont' like it!

I am a bit grouchy this evening. Blame it on my headache. I guess I should really do something about these headaches. Because of the "down time" from this headache this week, I am behind on my housework. Especially laundry. But I know that it really doesn't matter. I have done everything else I was suppose to do like school volunteering, visiting teaching, speech class, running kids to music lessons and basketball practice, reading and playing with my kids. And I even got the W-2's printed and mailed out for Scott. So I really need to not worry about the state of the house. People are fed and clean and happy, and that's all that matters.

I am feeling a little silly complaining being less than a week removed from a vacation where I had no responsibilites. However, I am having a hard time with my middle child. Andy is challenged with ADHD. I just wish I could get inside his mind so that I could better understand him. Actually, I don't think it hampers him to much--it's the rest of us (who live with him) that struggle with it. He is such a happy kid and loves life and people. This week however has been very hard for him because I left him last week. For some reason his little mind had a hard time with this. He has been clingy and can't 'handle' normal everyday things and has been whiny. And wants me to do everything for him and then has a meltdown when I won't, for example, put his shoes on for him. Tuesday night he and Scott traded beds and Andy slept with me in my bed. That seemed to help and yesterday and today have been better. A lot of times it is the little things about ADHD that bother me--like how he doesn't care one bit about modesty. He is all too happy running around the house naked after his baths, even though everyone in the house is telling at him to get some pants on. (Tonight was bath night, by the way). And when I say running, I mean running. He just doesn't walk. I guess that's all for now.

And by the way, during my interruptions writing this (because of course kids can't leave me alone when they see me on the computer) I found 4 Hershey Kisses hiding away in the pantry! Cameron and Janessa each got one, and I got two.

Depression--Quite a Ride

Yesterday, Human Right's Day, marks the day two years ago when I emotionally and mentally crumbled. Since then I began learning to live with the illness of depression. I had dealt with depression and anxiety off and on for about 7 years before then, but never understood or experienced the whole of it until this day. And I have learned much more about the illness then I really cared too. It has been quite a ride. As I have been through the challenges of the past two years I have grown closer to the Lord and my husband, and I believe I have also grown as a person as I have gotten to know and love myself better. Probably the biggest thing I learned is that I had to let go of the ideal of "perfection" (which I didn't really know I was holding on to) and I can't do it all. I also know that these experiences will teach me much more as time goes by.

At the time, I had a six month old baby, two preschoolers age 3 and 4, and a 9 and 12 year old to take care of. But my mind and body sort of quit functioning. It is a very hard thing to describe. The only thing I could think was that "I can't do this anymore. Everything is too hard. I can't, I can't, I can't." And somehow, I really couldn't. I called my sister, Lacey. She called my other sister, Holly, who came and stayed and ran my household for a week. Then Lacey came for about a week after Holly left. It is hard to remember and realize that I needed help like that. Harder than involving my family, though was involving the ward family. The Relief Society president came over and continued to be a great support. The Bishop got involved and I started counseling through LDS Family Services.

Depression is a crazy illness. For months I just kept expecting that I would wake up one day and I would be "normal"again. But it hasn't been like that. I have been in counseling and learned so much about taking care of myself to stay healthy and how to change my thought patterns. I am on meds. But still, the depression doesn't ever totally go away. I fight it most everyday. Though most days are good days, or "normal" days, there are still the bad days, like everyone else, yet not like everyone else.

One time in a counseling session, I answered a question and my counselor asked "Is that how you feel, or is that just the right answer." I have since decided that is a defining question about depression. You know all the 'right' answers. You know how you 'should' feel and what you 'should' do. But there is a missing connection between knowing, and actions and feelings.

I was talking to my husband about my two year 'anniversary', so to say. We happened to be on the beach in Florida. How cool is that? Anyway, he asked, "Well, how are you now?" I can definitely answer "I'm great!" I have come along way since that day two years ago.

Some Days

Cameron was never dressed today. He stayed in his diaper and pajama top until he got it wet playing in the water at the kitchen sink just before dinner. Then he was just in a diaper until he got his pajamas on again. I did try to dress him several times but he didn’t cooperate and I didn’t push. I didn’t care. Janessa wore the same clothes today as she did yesterday because she slept in them. And I didn’t comb her hair. I didn’t care.

It was just one of those days. Not a bad day, or sad day. Just a low energy day. I got up and got myself showered and going and got kids to school. Then I just sort of stopped there. I chatted on the phone to some friends, made chocolate chip pumpkin bread with Cameron and Janessa (not an easy task with two helpers), did some laundry, a few other things, and read. The kids watched way too much TV today and I can’t even remember feeding them lunch. (they probably ate pumpkin bread). I did make dinner, however.

I am not sure if it’s because I didn’t have anything pressing to get done or because I was coming off a four-day headache, but I didn't have motivation to do much of anything today. And I don’t even feel guilty about it. At least not much.

“My mom says some days are like that. Even in Australia.” (from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)