I am mourning the loss of my therapist (or counselor--I never quite know what to call her). Not that she's gone, but I really am not going to see her again. Really. I have said that so many times before. But this time it is real. She isn't working this summer, and I am moving. I know she is due to have twins in July. I am very excited for her. I figured she would probably stop working in sometime in May, so last week when I called to make an appointment, I really wasn't surprised to learn that she wasn't working again until fall. But it was a hard fact to digest. I actually felt like crying. Because I really have to let go this time. Not like all the times before when I told myself that "this is the last appointment" and then went back.
I have only seen her four times in the last year, I think two months ago was the last time. I don't really need counseling anymore, but every once in a while I just want to talk to her. Talk things over. Sometimes about specific challenges and how to handle them, but sometimes just to "check in." It seems strange that I will never see her again. This person who helped me so much and showed me how to pull myself out of the hole of depression I was in. Who gave me encouragement and cheered me on as I progressed. Who helped me discover myself again. Who helped me learn to face my feelings instead of burying them. The person I finally opened up to and told thoughts and feelings to that no one else knew I had--sometimes that I didn't know I had. I learned so much from her--like about my thought patterns and how to change them, how to develop coping skills, how to be my own best friend, how to communicate better with my husband and others, how to be less passive, how to take care of myself and get my own needs met so I can take care of everyone else (this had to be pounded into my head over and over). It is just so hard to let go.
I called for an appointment last week because I just feel that lately I have been in a rut. I don't know if I need to adjust my medication or adjust me. I never know if the depression is getting me or if it's just me. I am not doing the things that I know I need to do to feel better. Simple things that just don't get done. The apathy that goes hand in hand with depression.
I need to use all that I learned in counseling and pull myself out of the rut -- put a book on my ipod; start journaling again; finish my quilt I started; open my scriptures; have fun with my kids while they are home this summer; exercise so I can keep up with my sister whom I challenged to run a 5K with me; do my work and take time to play. See, not so hard, really.